I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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