mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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