she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
