So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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