I think I won the penis lottery.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
