Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
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You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
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We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.