I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible