Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?