How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
