I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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