TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
