he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
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I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
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I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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