Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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