I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
