I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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