he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
