I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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