i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
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Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
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I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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