and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
