There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
