I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
