At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
