Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
