She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
