You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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