soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
