Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
