I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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