Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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