I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
