While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
