you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
