One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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