Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My bed smells like the plague
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Never underestimate the power of titties
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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