you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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