Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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