He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
