We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
