If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
