i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
