i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
