false alarm. still invincible.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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