peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
