apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
