Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
