I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
