Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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