Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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