I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I skipped work to stalk him.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
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Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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