If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
