Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We were destined to go to rehab together
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
