I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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