The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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