Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
