I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
