Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
