Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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