Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
