There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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