I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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