I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
